Adoption: Choosing the country

Adoption should be easy- or so everyone says. There are so many babies out there that need homes. They should just give you one. Yes. They should. But who are these "they" and how do I get one? I wish it were so simple.

Once Jerid and I made the decision to adopt, we had to find out where to begin. That was easy enough, the phone book. Open it and you will find a huge listing on the subject. Attorneys and agencies; international and domestic. We decided to go for Lutheran Social Services. We called and set up an appointment. Just as with the infertility, I was so excited that I somehow expected to come home with a baby. But it doesn't work that way. In the initial interview we went over the pros and cons of international vs. domestic adoption and which would be right for us. It wasn't a hard decision for us. We chose international for several reasons.

1. Domestic adoptions can take longer than international because typically, the birth mother chooses the adoptive family. The adoptive hopefuls create a book on themselves and wait until a pregnant woman chooses them. This could take 2 weeks or 2 years. International adoptions offer programs where this doesn't happen. You fill out your paperwork and wait in line. Not that this is a quick process, but on average faster than waiting for a domestic.
2. Being that the birth mother chooses the family, we couldn't be sure that anyone would want us with Jerid's health.
3. We had heard about all of the little girls in China that have it pretty bad. The orphanages have more babies than they can handle, leading to neglect and attachment issues. Once the girls reach a certain age they are forced to leave and their options are limited. Usually to prostitution or factory work. This moved us.
4. And I guess if we're all being honest here, that last reason being that if we couldn't make a baby that looked like us, why not just go completely in the other direction. Lay it out on the table from first glance. We adopted.

So. That decision made, which country and which international agency? The local agency only works with us to get started and to do the US government requirements. They are in charge of home studies and fingerprints. (We'll get to all of that later.) We were sent home with about 20 brochures on different agencies offering many different countries, services and prices. Talk about overwhelming. However, many things start ruling out countries right away. The things that we wanted:

1. A baby as young as possible
2. A baby as quickly as possible
3. The least amount of money possible

That's not asking for much- right? And besides, we already knew that we wanted a little girl from China. Oh. That can't happen. According to China's regulations for adoption, both adoptive parents must be at least 30 years old. We were a couple years away at that time. Moving on. India was out because they don't let their babies be put up for adoption until they are 2 years old. Russia was a consideration, but 2 trips were necessary, it was $30,000, (which is about $10,000 more that China) and the babies have a high chance of having fetal alcohol syndrome. Plus, they're pretty strict about people with chronic illnesses adopting. Vietnam wasn't open when we started and the Ukraine adoptions take a long time. That left Guatemala. It sounded perfect for us. It's a fairly easy process, it has the shortest wait time, and they have the youngest babies. Sometimes they are referred while still in the womb. The drawback? $35-40,000. Talk about making a girl sick. So we went back to LSS and whined. The woman asked if we had heard about Taiwan. Of course not. It wasn't in any of the catalogs. Well apparently, a woman here in Springfield had recently adopted from Taiwan. There is only one agency in the US that offers an open adoption program. So she got us the info on it. We contacted New Hope in Seattle, WA. Click. It fit. Babies were on average 5-7 months when they come home, another family with CF had recently adopted, so that would be fine, only 3-5 days spent in Taiwan and only $20-25,000. Yippee! We signed. Taiwan it is.

Backtracking: IVF Round 2

After the required 6 weeks of downtime, we scheduled another appointment with the fertility specialist. He now classified us as a "problem case" due to the fact that everything should have worked better than it did. His advice was for us to see one of the top fertility specialists in the country in New Jersey. He had sent several other couples with excellent results. OK. We're going to New Jersey. It took about 3 months to even get a phone consultation with the doctor in NJ. I was freaking out by the time that the day in March 2005 finally came. I knew that if he didn't want to take us on as patients, it was all over. Ugghhhh....

the NJ doctor told me that he believed me to have something called Insulin Resistance. It never really affected me except for the fact that I am so thin and have trouble gaining weight. Typically, women who have this are obese, but I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. It also causes my eggs to be "slow to react" and it is a condition that is inherited. If I had a daughter, chances are that she would also be insulin resistant. I'd risk it though. And with the 50% chance of live birth the doctor gave us, we decided to proceed and get started in May.

This whole process really messes with one's head. The highs and lows are ridiculous. Something you want so badly but are afraid to hope for the best, because the pain of disappointment is so heart wrenching. I didn't know whether to be excited or terrified. The sadness that I felt after the first try was still so raw, but I couldn't help but picture myself pregnant with my baby. So I continued on, completely positive that it would work this time... Except for that seed of doubt and fear in the back of my mind.

By late May, we were completely immersed in the IVF process. Shots, hormones and ultrasounds. I spoke on the phone to the NJ staff daily, and still used Kettering for my bloodwork and labs. (They faxed the results to NJ, who were calling the shots.) I tried to relax, listened to IVF meditation CDs, even had accupressure. Anything to make this work. It had to work.

We left for New Jersey to complete the process after work on June 10th. We had to be at the office for a 6:00 am, which meant Jerid driving 10 hours straight through the night. He did great with the help of those energy drinks. I, the hormonal one, slept pretty much the whole way.

RMA (Reproductive Medical Associates) turned out to be nothing but an assembly line of women trying to get pregnant. Everything was on a first come, first serve basis, herding us in and out of rooms for bloodwork and ultrasounds. The staff was all business and had no desire to be at all friendly or caring. During this emotional and scary time, it helps so much when you feel like your doctors and nurses care about you. I never even met my doctor.

However, Jerid and I made the best of our time there. After my morning checkups on the progress of the hormones, we would take the train to New York City. We had never been before, so it took our minds off things and we managed to have some fun. I again had my retrieval and we just had to wait to see how many embryos we got and then I could have them implanted. Again, we only got two good embryos. The implantation was a nightmare and the staff could not have been any more rude and downright mean. We stayed positive though, and left 2 days later.

Ahhh.... Another 2 weeks of waiting. We opted to not take the home pregnancy test this time, and just wait for the bloodwork. So, at the very end of June, I went back to Kettering for the test. I guess this isn't very dramatic since we all know the result. Negative. Shit. Shit. Shit. And so started the hardest couple of months I've ever been through. This was definitely much harder than the first time. This time, I knew that there was no backup plan, no second chance. It was over. I wouldn't be having a baby.

And suddenly, everywhere I turned, people were pregnant. Everywhere. Friends, family, coworkers. I heard stories of women who were on drugs having babies, and so many accidents. Where was mine? Why wasn't I pregnant? I did everything right. I got married, had a good job, a nice little house. It's not fair.

I started seeing a therapist and he helped me to realize that my depression and sadness and anger were completely normal. That I was grieving. Grieving for that child that I would never give birth to. With time things would get easier.

And they did. By August, Jerid and I had healed enough to start the adoption process. And from there things have gotten much better. Almost a year later, it still hurts, but the future looks very, very bright.

I would like to end this whole IVF, backtracking thing with a little speech.

Everything that I have just told about IVF and infertility, barely skims the surface of the emotions and the processes involved. It was a brief summary. People who have never been through this can't possibly comprehend the overwhelming sorrow that comes with infertility. It is an empty aching in your heart. If you know or someday know a woman or couple who is going through infertility, please be patient and kind. Lend them your support and love. There is nothing that can be done except for payers and listening to them. If a woman on hormones is acting a little crazy, just love her. She truly can't control it. If you know a woman going through infertility that couldn't go to a baby shower or be as supportive as you would like, let it slide. I apologize if I ever hurt anyone or was not myself in the last year. I am trying to get back to the old me, and slowly, it's happening. I will have a baby. I'll just get her differently than I thought. And she will be so loved.

Backtracking- IVF Round 1

So I'm pretty new to this blog thing and I started reading some other blogs about adoption and infertility and the such. I realized that people who I don't know will be reading this. Hopefully some who are in similar situations and can use a little support. I figure, if I'm going to tell the story, I should tell it right. From the beginning. Or least the beginning of trying to start a family. Also, my therapist keeps telling me that I need to write down my feelings so that I can let go of them. Why not tell it to the world? So here goes...

Jerid and I always planned on having a family. It was a given. We would have kids. We've always talked about them; what they would look like, how they would act and such. We also always knew that we wouldn't be able to make them "the normal" way. In case you don't already know, Jerid has cystic fibrosis. Along with affecting the lungs and digestive system and various other parts of his body, it causes him to be pretty much sterile. CF males are something like 99.8% infertile. (If you need more in-depth scientific mumbo-jumbo, ask and I can give you the full version). So, we knew we'd just go straight to IVF. No biggie. We were young and I, at least am healthy. I never doubted that it would work. How naive of me.

We decided to start the process in August of 2003. We found a fertility specialist in Kettering, OH and went to see him. He was very optimistic and we got started. I had icky tests done where they poked and prodded and put dyes in me. The result: everything is in working order. The next step was for Jerid to have a testicular biopsy with sperm retrieval. This was a pretty big deal because the outcome would determine if the IVF was even possible. If they could get good sperm we'd be good to go. In my heart I never doubted that it would work. And it did. 4 vials of healthy- even if they were slow moving- sperm.

Next on the to-do list: IVF. Fun fun fun. In July 2004 we started getting ready with an implant date set for October. It was so exciting. I would be a mom by July. I would get to wear cute little summer maternity dresses. I should probably tell you now that I plan everything. My mind is always 2 steps ahead of things. I like to be prepared for everything.

Anyway, I started the medications and waiting and finally we got down to the good stuff. Jerid gave me daily shots and my ovaries began to grow. And grow. (None of this was a surprise to us because my sister had IVF just the year before with the result being my beautiful twin nephews.) The hormones began to take effect and I was an emotional mess. I would cry at everything: The Beatles, my cookie falling into my milk... anything could set me off. Then the big day came for the retrieval. It was very successful and I got something like 12 good eggs. Yippeee! They fertilized the eggs with the sperm and 3 days later we went back for the implantation. Unfortunately, of those 12 eggs, only two grew into embryos. Both were implanted. And so began 2 weeks of waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Any sign of hunger or tiredness must mean I'm pregnant. Right?

14 days later, I was allowed to take a home pregnancy test. The instructions were that if it was positive I was definitely pregnant. If it was negative, not to worry. It might be too early. So we woke up at 5:00 in the morning the day we could take it. I was so excited. I had dreamed of the day that I would find out I was going to be a mother. I had the whole weekend planned. The calls I would make, the people I would tell, the romantic weekend that Jerid and I would share. I couldn't wait. We took the test. NEGATIVE. OK. Don't worry. It doesn't mean anything. We would find out for sure in 2 days. What a long 2 days. And then I had my blood taken. And it was still negative. $10,000, 3 months of emotions, and all of my hopes down the drain. Shit.

Welcome

Welcome to my blog! I started this blog because Jerid and I have so many friends and family who are curious about our adoption. This way, everyone can stay updated on what's going on and where we are in the process. Throughout the long months ahead, I hope to write some of my thoughts on the adoption process and hopefully someday our daughter will be able to read this and see how much she was wanted and how many people she has that love her and couldn't wait to meet her.

I would like to say thank you to everyone who has been so supportive during the past couple of years. The last year especially has been a very difficult one for us. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. I didn't realize how many people we have in our lives that care about and love us. The generosity of people emotionally and financially has been overwhelming and we are truly touched by the love that we have been showered with. Thank you especially to Mom, Rick and Rose, Aunt Janice and Uncle Kenny, Adrienne, Ty, Lara and Rhonda. And to my family at work, without you girls I may have gone mad.


Our dreams of becoming parents and starting a family are finally coming true. I'm so excited! All we seem to talk about anymore is "our little girl". How we will raise her, what her nursery will look like, etc. I guess they are the same things that all expectant parents talk about. They say that adoption is when a baby grows in a mother's heart instead of her tummy. It's so true. Every day she becomes a larger part of our hearts and we don't even know her. The emptiness and sadness that we have been feeling for so long is being filled with love and longing.

Again, thank you to all for your prayers, words of kindness and love.