Backtracking- IVF Round 1

So I'm pretty new to this blog thing and I started reading some other blogs about adoption and infertility and the such. I realized that people who I don't know will be reading this. Hopefully some who are in similar situations and can use a little support. I figure, if I'm going to tell the story, I should tell it right. From the beginning. Or least the beginning of trying to start a family. Also, my therapist keeps telling me that I need to write down my feelings so that I can let go of them. Why not tell it to the world? So here goes...

Jerid and I always planned on having a family. It was a given. We would have kids. We've always talked about them; what they would look like, how they would act and such. We also always knew that we wouldn't be able to make them "the normal" way. In case you don't already know, Jerid has cystic fibrosis. Along with affecting the lungs and digestive system and various other parts of his body, it causes him to be pretty much sterile. CF males are something like 99.8% infertile. (If you need more in-depth scientific mumbo-jumbo, ask and I can give you the full version). So, we knew we'd just go straight to IVF. No biggie. We were young and I, at least am healthy. I never doubted that it would work. How naive of me.

We decided to start the process in August of 2003. We found a fertility specialist in Kettering, OH and went to see him. He was very optimistic and we got started. I had icky tests done where they poked and prodded and put dyes in me. The result: everything is in working order. The next step was for Jerid to have a testicular biopsy with sperm retrieval. This was a pretty big deal because the outcome would determine if the IVF was even possible. If they could get good sperm we'd be good to go. In my heart I never doubted that it would work. And it did. 4 vials of healthy- even if they were slow moving- sperm.

Next on the to-do list: IVF. Fun fun fun. In July 2004 we started getting ready with an implant date set for October. It was so exciting. I would be a mom by July. I would get to wear cute little summer maternity dresses. I should probably tell you now that I plan everything. My mind is always 2 steps ahead of things. I like to be prepared for everything.

Anyway, I started the medications and waiting and finally we got down to the good stuff. Jerid gave me daily shots and my ovaries began to grow. And grow. (None of this was a surprise to us because my sister had IVF just the year before with the result being my beautiful twin nephews.) The hormones began to take effect and I was an emotional mess. I would cry at everything: The Beatles, my cookie falling into my milk... anything could set me off. Then the big day came for the retrieval. It was very successful and I got something like 12 good eggs. Yippeee! They fertilized the eggs with the sperm and 3 days later we went back for the implantation. Unfortunately, of those 12 eggs, only two grew into embryos. Both were implanted. And so began 2 weeks of waiting. And waiting. And waiting. Any sign of hunger or tiredness must mean I'm pregnant. Right?

14 days later, I was allowed to take a home pregnancy test. The instructions were that if it was positive I was definitely pregnant. If it was negative, not to worry. It might be too early. So we woke up at 5:00 in the morning the day we could take it. I was so excited. I had dreamed of the day that I would find out I was going to be a mother. I had the whole weekend planned. The calls I would make, the people I would tell, the romantic weekend that Jerid and I would share. I couldn't wait. We took the test. NEGATIVE. OK. Don't worry. It doesn't mean anything. We would find out for sure in 2 days. What a long 2 days. And then I had my blood taken. And it was still negative. $10,000, 3 months of emotions, and all of my hopes down the drain. Shit.