Backtracking: IVF Round 2

After the required 6 weeks of downtime, we scheduled another appointment with the fertility specialist. He now classified us as a "problem case" due to the fact that everything should have worked better than it did. His advice was for us to see one of the top fertility specialists in the country in New Jersey. He had sent several other couples with excellent results. OK. We're going to New Jersey. It took about 3 months to even get a phone consultation with the doctor in NJ. I was freaking out by the time that the day in March 2005 finally came. I knew that if he didn't want to take us on as patients, it was all over. Ugghhhh....

the NJ doctor told me that he believed me to have something called Insulin Resistance. It never really affected me except for the fact that I am so thin and have trouble gaining weight. Typically, women who have this are obese, but I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. It also causes my eggs to be "slow to react" and it is a condition that is inherited. If I had a daughter, chances are that she would also be insulin resistant. I'd risk it though. And with the 50% chance of live birth the doctor gave us, we decided to proceed and get started in May.

This whole process really messes with one's head. The highs and lows are ridiculous. Something you want so badly but are afraid to hope for the best, because the pain of disappointment is so heart wrenching. I didn't know whether to be excited or terrified. The sadness that I felt after the first try was still so raw, but I couldn't help but picture myself pregnant with my baby. So I continued on, completely positive that it would work this time... Except for that seed of doubt and fear in the back of my mind.

By late May, we were completely immersed in the IVF process. Shots, hormones and ultrasounds. I spoke on the phone to the NJ staff daily, and still used Kettering for my bloodwork and labs. (They faxed the results to NJ, who were calling the shots.) I tried to relax, listened to IVF meditation CDs, even had accupressure. Anything to make this work. It had to work.

We left for New Jersey to complete the process after work on June 10th. We had to be at the office for a 6:00 am, which meant Jerid driving 10 hours straight through the night. He did great with the help of those energy drinks. I, the hormonal one, slept pretty much the whole way.

RMA (Reproductive Medical Associates) turned out to be nothing but an assembly line of women trying to get pregnant. Everything was on a first come, first serve basis, herding us in and out of rooms for bloodwork and ultrasounds. The staff was all business and had no desire to be at all friendly or caring. During this emotional and scary time, it helps so much when you feel like your doctors and nurses care about you. I never even met my doctor.

However, Jerid and I made the best of our time there. After my morning checkups on the progress of the hormones, we would take the train to New York City. We had never been before, so it took our minds off things and we managed to have some fun. I again had my retrieval and we just had to wait to see how many embryos we got and then I could have them implanted. Again, we only got two good embryos. The implantation was a nightmare and the staff could not have been any more rude and downright mean. We stayed positive though, and left 2 days later.

Ahhh.... Another 2 weeks of waiting. We opted to not take the home pregnancy test this time, and just wait for the bloodwork. So, at the very end of June, I went back to Kettering for the test. I guess this isn't very dramatic since we all know the result. Negative. Shit. Shit. Shit. And so started the hardest couple of months I've ever been through. This was definitely much harder than the first time. This time, I knew that there was no backup plan, no second chance. It was over. I wouldn't be having a baby.

And suddenly, everywhere I turned, people were pregnant. Everywhere. Friends, family, coworkers. I heard stories of women who were on drugs having babies, and so many accidents. Where was mine? Why wasn't I pregnant? I did everything right. I got married, had a good job, a nice little house. It's not fair.

I started seeing a therapist and he helped me to realize that my depression and sadness and anger were completely normal. That I was grieving. Grieving for that child that I would never give birth to. With time things would get easier.

And they did. By August, Jerid and I had healed enough to start the adoption process. And from there things have gotten much better. Almost a year later, it still hurts, but the future looks very, very bright.

I would like to end this whole IVF, backtracking thing with a little speech.

Everything that I have just told about IVF and infertility, barely skims the surface of the emotions and the processes involved. It was a brief summary. People who have never been through this can't possibly comprehend the overwhelming sorrow that comes with infertility. It is an empty aching in your heart. If you know or someday know a woman or couple who is going through infertility, please be patient and kind. Lend them your support and love. There is nothing that can be done except for payers and listening to them. If a woman on hormones is acting a little crazy, just love her. She truly can't control it. If you know a woman going through infertility that couldn't go to a baby shower or be as supportive as you would like, let it slide. I apologize if I ever hurt anyone or was not myself in the last year. I am trying to get back to the old me, and slowly, it's happening. I will have a baby. I'll just get her differently than I thought. And she will be so loved.